Tuesday, April 12, 2011
A Great White Shark expert was killed by sharks while diving off the coast of Australiadespite his years of expertise and experience. This is a direct reminder of the surprising death of another expert, the famed "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin. A work of advice from our Public Affairs bureau: If on Career Day, remember when you take the aptitude test showing possible careers which would suit your abilities and skills, they are only suggestions. If any of the choices are being an Expert on Dangerous and Deadly Animals, it might be a good choice to consider taking the test again.
Canadian Justin Bieber thinks the US is evil and would never want to become a citizen. Poor baby, maybe Canada will be nice and give you a grammy and make you feel all better.
So Justin Bieber thinks the US is evil. Odd, but I seem to think I have heard those words before. I do remember hearing them on a tape, but it certainly wasn't a love song. I may have things a little mixed up but when trying to recall who said those similar words, the name that keeps popping in my head is Osama Bieber Laden.
Justin Bieber was on a recent episode of CSI: Las Vegas in which he got killed. Too bad he didn't kill at the Grammy's.
While everyone is making such a big deal of Justin Beber's radical exciting new look hairstyle, we hate to break this news to you. It's been done before, better and the big difference is many years later he still has a career.
The U.S. Department of Transportation levied a $2 million civil penalty against Delta Air Lines Inc. for allegedly violating rules protecting air travelers with disabilities. Some of the examples of complaints included assistance getting on and off the airplane, response to complaints and proper requirements for service dogs, especially mentioning the pilots seeing eye dogs.
With all the recent law enforcement actions taking place around Wall Street recently, kind of odd that securities are finally getting security.
It has just been found out that the reason for Bieber Fever' failing at the Grammy's was the approval of a new vaccine just before the shows called,
'Tweenovotatall'.
The security at the Grammy's Sunday was heavier than usual as most thought it was due to the unrest in Egypt. It was really to protect all the jewelery when they heard Lindsay Lohan might show up
The Food and Drug Administration approved wider use of Allergan Inc.'s stomach shrinking Lap-band product. Mainly due in fact to the increased in wider waist lines.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said the U.S. should allow more high-tech workers from other countries into the U.S. He suggested the daily rate be changed to 7-11.
Monday February, 14, 2011
I am just so glad during the Grammy's when David Letterman was on, that he didn't try it 1 more time. I was waiting since Lady Gaga was there as were the Goo Goo Dolls, and say...
Gaga, Goo -Goo...Goo Goo - Ga Ga.
Listening to a Lady GaGa interview before the Grammy's, she admitted that she smokes a lot of weed and drinks whiskey when she writes her songs. Funny thats what I do when I hear one.
Lady Gaga shows up at the Grammy's in an egg. Lady Gaga wins a Grammy Award. She gives her speech and thanks of all people Whitney Houston. Confused? Don't be. If you're enclosed in a huge egg with 1 way out, than you better thank someone who knows where the crack is.
Gaga wore the egg, Beiber had it on his face...LOOSAH. Beiber, the 'Yokes' on you (rim shot).
Funny, the seat fillers got more camera time than Justin Bieber.
After watching Justin Bieber get skunked by the Grammy's last night, now I at least know why his life's documentary is called 'Never Say Never'
Mick Jaeger's performance was amazing, enthusiastic and so full of life, especially when just seeing that your picture wasn't included in the list of the dead performers.
I was not surprised when after all the awards were given out that during the show no one ran on stage, grabbed a mic and said that Kanye West was robbed and deserved an award.
Did the lights blink in the middle of the grammy's or was that just the light flickering out on Kanye's career?
The best part of the show was at the end when the announcer joked and said, Ladies and Gentleman, Kanye has left the building...well he actually left it years ago, but no one gave a damn.
Friday, February, 11, 2011
A surprising effect of the Super Bowl has been the large increase in the sale of maps. With the Packers victory, Green Bay* is now showing up on them again.*Foot Note. The town was removed originally after Brett Favre retired for the first time, effectively removing their future and football prominence again. Green Bay decided to keep it off longer than expected well after Bret Favre's alleged cell phone sexual exploits. Title-town wanted to remain in seclusion before its new nickname became "Texting Town".
Monday, January 31, 2011
Steve Jobs recent surprise announcement that he will be leaving Apple for an unspecified amount of time leaves a question regarding his move on our economy. If Steve Jobs is leaving his job, does that count as 2 jobs lost in the weekly unemployment figures?
Steve Jobs health must be fairly dire for him to leave Apple like that. As many believe he is the heart, soul and brainchild of Apple's products and success. Before leaving he did announce 1 new innovation to keep all Apple fans and investors informed. The new device being released with his health updates is called the iSick.
The good news out of Washington since the Republicans took control of the House and a new speaker was appointed that the reports of clap have diminished considerably.
We got such a kick out of the State of the Union address. How amusing was it watching John Boehner, the new Speaker of the House, having such a hard time applauding the President's remarks. His dour look had nothing to do with gas as we suspected but more likely that the previous clap-happy speaker Nancy Pelosi crazy glued the arms of the Speakers chair.
Congresswoman Gabrielle Gifford's condition has been upgraded to good as she was moved out of the hospital to a Houston Rehabilitation Facility. Doctors are going to plan to implant a speaking valve to help her talk and converse. We find this to be wonderful news. Amazingly, even in her present improving condition after a gunshot wound to her head, we still value her awareness, value and her vote more than disgraced congressman Charles Rangels.
The Tea Party's response after the State of the Union was uncharacteristically altered a bit, especially by their own pals the GOP. It was so bothersome that it was overheard asking each other how many were going to Starbucks for some coffee afterwards.
When we heard President Obama use the term, "our Sputnik moment", we just couldnt help but go back to President Clinton term. We wondered if that wasn't a better term for his indiscressions and dress ruining moments with Monica Lewinsky.
(and you thought you would never see that name in a joke again)!
This year the Super Bowl will feature the Pittsburgh Steelers against the Green Bay Packers. It's a good thing Brett Favre isn't still the the Green Bay quarterback. His throwing condition had to be affected and altered his gripping the football properly with all his text messaging. His condition from texting so many of those issues is now known as having "Carnal Tunnel".
Pittsburgh vs. Green Bay. Steel City vs Title Town pretty tough and decent sounding names for football teams especially for ones meeting in a Super Bowl.
We do realize now why Los Angeles does not have a football team anymore. How would it look for the NFL, the networks, the fans and anyone who loves football to take this seriously.. If you had a Super Bowl with for example The Steelers of Steel City, vs. The LA Hollywood ' Raiders' of Tinseltown? Oh my. Not so rough, tough and don't bruise the face. I have a call back later!!!
We don't care what image your team may project, even one as tough, dirty and nasty as the Raiders did, you can't be taken serious being called you come from Tinseltown, USA.
The new American Idol started this past week with Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler as the new judges. With Simon gone and Steven Tyler having so many fans, it actually should called"American is Steven Tyler Idol" and Groupie Show.
Thursday, January 26, 2011
Being New Yorkers, watching the President's State of the Union Address was sometimes a bit hard to watch and keep interested. It felt as if we were watching the Jets lose to the Steelers all over again.
Friday, January 21, 2011
We don't know why Hollywood is so upset at Ricky Gervais They are so so sensitive and ignorant. They forget that if it wasn't for Rick Gervais, Hollywood would actually have to come up with some new shows on their own. For example: The Office is nothing but Office-ially a rip-off.
The only people who didn't like the Charlie Sheen joke were probably women. C'mon, what real guy watching wasn't saying to himself: "That lucky friggin bastard! Why can't that be me? Hookers, drinking, porn stars and I'm sitting next to a wife in an old robe with big fluffy slippers and wearing one of those big stupid towels". Any guy who says no should doubt his own sexual preferences along with those other 2 guys Gervais sorta mentioned from Scientology. TDJR doesn't have a lawyer on retainer for non-criminal issues. Not to worry, they don't read this either.
Robert Downey Jr. is the only one who Ricky Gervais poked fun at for his time in jail and stints at the Betty Ford Clinic for his drug issues. What a schmuck. He gets pissed? He wouldn't have even gotten mentioned if Lindsay Lohan was there. Now we know where the Junior comes from. He is so 2nd best. He couldn't hold a candle lighting a crack pipe to her. (OK, we know a candle doesn't work in a crack pipe, but it made more sense. We mean we heard that.) Downey Jr. has really turned into such a hypocrite. It wasn't so long ago that he would have been happy with any kind of line.
Thank God we learned that Gervais is an Atheist but it was the Foreign Press who hired him. This way as soon as the show was over and to avoid any heat from the press, they all ran back to thier own countries. Why not? It worked great for Julian Assange, the boss from WikiLeaks when he got his ass in trouble.
The all grown up and sexy Miley Cyrus announced she is dropping her Hannah Montana role. She no longer feels or looks like a child star anymore. Remember, if the fame and fans don't follow you after dropping your Hannah Montana role, you can always get new fans and fame again. This time just drop off your clothes.
There are many people that are surprised at Miley Cyrus' decision to give up her television show and famous Hannah Montana part but none more than her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus. It means once again becoming even a bigger joke in the music field. This time he'll be begging his kid for help when he sings his new version of his one hit wonder song. Just be prepared to start hearing him begging when he once again starts singing:Don't break my heart
and give up that part
Don't think your fans will understand
Just dont break their heart
and be the next pop tart
cause where are all of Britneys fans
Please don't make me start
work at the Quicky-Mart
ain't fair doin' this to your old man
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Happy New TheDowJokesReport.Com Year!!!
What is wrong with NY Jet fans? Enough of the J - E - T - S, JETS JETS JETS chant over and over and over every game. Do they really want everyone to think they're a bunch of dumb, stupid idiot fans that needs spelling lessons each week just so they can spell their team's name correctly. This isn't Cleveland.
This past year, the FDA approved only 21 new drugs. This is very close to the smallest number approved. Of all the drugs that were not approved, 3 were actually for weight loss. Please, before everyone starts a rampage towards the local 7-11 for an all out binge attack, please put the Big Bite down, remove the Hot to Go Burrito from the microwave and listen to this. Just because these drugs weren't approved, doesn't mean they still can't, you just need to wait a little. If not these companies, than there are others with anti-obesity drugs in their pipeline's too. You just need some patience and will power. OK, anyone buying the idea that a bunch of hungry, fat, pissed off people are going to be able to do this? Even the hooker I was with was able to show at least patience. In my case, she only started staring at the clock with 58 minutes left in the hour before begging me to know how much longer till she gets my pipeline approved already.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
We at TDJR hope that you all had a Happy Thanksgiving and wish our Jewish brethren a blessed Hanukkah. Before you know it, Christmas will be upon us as will a new year. Hopefully, we can bring you a few laughs along the way. Sorry that we may have been a bit slow with the yuck yucks in 2010. Thank you for sticking with us, we do appreciate it. Peace.
Lindsay Lohan avoids jail and is being sent back to rehab again. This is good news for Lindsay but her former inmates at her jail are going to be left with a lot of left over toothpaste, dental floss and broken hearts.
The list of the most dangerous cities in America came out with Chico at the #1 most dangerous city while Cleveland finished second. While on the subject, everything that they say about how bad and horrible Cleveland is must be true. You know your city really sucks when it can't even win being the most dangerous city to live in, but finishes second to...El Centro, California. Congratulations Cleveland, your reputation stands!
A Dallas woman accused of throwing her two children from a freeway overpass has been found not guilty by reason of insanity. When asked why she did it to her 6 and 8 year olds, her reply was a simple and understandable one. She spoke of a group of believers that are intent on ruining her family. A group known for its absolute rule of showing "no mercy to failure". No one should be forced to endure the humiliation, ridicule and damnation this group delivers, so that is why she threw her 2 youngest boys from the overpass. She was saving them from having to go through what her eldest boy Anthony goes through every week, a sobbing Mrs. Romo said.
The SEC continues to show off its new get tough policy by enabling a new law to prevent actions leading to improper and illegal trading. The use of sexy and alluring females to lure trade secrets out of rival CEO's in what is legally described as the point of no return from the "Throes of Ecstasy" is now outlawed. In order to save the poor and ugly small time investors out there, the use of these tactics will bring about charges of "Inside-her Trading".
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Germany recently handed out pens to school children that had pictures from porno movies on them. Sure it was a big mistake and no one is saying who made it but we think it’s safe to assume that we finally understand why David Hasselhoff is so popular over there.
It has finally happened; Amy Fisher is starring in an adult film being released this week. The only question is what took so long? Everyone knew you were going to do porn, but why wait till now? You are in your 30's, popping out some kids and still talking with that horrible New York accent. At least she won't have much time to do a lot of talking with her mouth being pre-occupied most of the time. Thank God for occupational hazards. If you have trouble finding the movie, just note that she now goes by the nickname of the “Long Island Blow-Lita”.
Amy did want to retain her young teen being taken advantage of by an older man innocent good girl image. In order to protect her children from hearing the lies about their mommy being a slut and all, she decided on changing her name but didn't pick her first choice. Due to strict web page standards here at TDJR, we will explain it this way: She originally wanted to take her real name, Amy Fisher, and place the letter t between Fisand her.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Michelle Obama still denies saying the following about being the First Lady: "Don't ask. It's hell. I can't stand it." Mrs. Obama actually loves it most of the time. She hates being there only when those Conservatives Republicans are at the White House and repeatedly keep telling her to put on her maid outfit and fetch me another drink. If that wasn't bad enough, the southern Conservatives show their true colors when they want her to say the line from Gone with the Wind, “I don't know nothing about birthin' no babies!”
Headline: Japan bars Paris Hilton from entering the country after her drug plea. To which Paris replied: "Woo hoo, I actually got barred. So, like I have to stay in a bar? I love Japan. I got to try and come back here again some day. Bartender, more Sake Bombs for me and my BFF Lindsay".
The economy is indeed getting worse. It has gotten to a point where people are resorting to new and unorthodox ways to make money these days. Case in point: Teresa Lewis, convicted murderer was executed this week for plotting to kill her husband and step-son for a $250,000 insurance policy…$250,000 dollars? What about after expenses? Let's see, 1-shotgun, 2-not 1 hit men to pay, 2- funerals and a truck load of 'Fake Tears' eye drops. With what would be left, it would be just enough for a nice relaxing time spent away from it all on death row. We can't help but think that sometime during Teresa Lewis' trial, the prosecutor must have seemed just like Dr. Evil when he says, “you killed your husband and step-son for a whopping total of...250 thousand dollars”!!! The pro-Teresa Lewis web site www.saveteresalewis.org is now available for sale after her execution. So if anyone out there knows of any Teresa Lewis's who need any kind of saving, get in touch with them? Of course that is assuming that www.saveteresalewis.com is for some unknown reason still not available!
A lawsuit from a New York charitable foundation is suing the Security and Exchange Commission for failing to catch Bernie Madoff after having “countless opportunities” to do so. How in the world could the SEC allow themselves to be served with a subpoena is amazing considering how many years they were able to avoid Harry Markopolos. The SEC did comment regarding the failure to investigate the suit as frivolous. To many on Wall Street, their reply was not a surprise and here's why…All you have to do is listen to all the complaints by small businesses and retail investors, why do violations by the big hedge fund's only get a slap on the wrist and reports showing that the majority of time spent on the SEC's computers were spent viewing porn sites. This is what happens when you hire a bunch of people who have no problem doing little work in the morning and than “pleasuring themselves” the rest of the day.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thursday, Christian Pastor Terry Jones (no relation to Monty Python) canceled a plan to burn copies of the Koran at his obscure Florida church. This drew international condemnation and a message from President Barack Obama. The President advised the pastor that burning the Koran would bring too much heat upon him and in the end, even though the price is high right now, home heating oil is still the pastor's best way to go.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Just a thought but if bisexuals are equally comfortable and adept in playing on each other's side when they want at any time, why aren't they just ambidextrous?
It took years and millions of dollars but Domino's Pizza has finally done it. First, they actually admitted that their old pizza tasted like crappy cardboard. After a long wait, Domino's has finally come out with their brand new tasting pizza. It wasn't easy we're sure but they accomplished it. They actually have invented a new tasting pizza that actually tastes worse than the original. Well, the bright spot is, is that they are still focused on speedy deliveries which means the faster you get it, taste it and throw it out, the faster you can have Chinese food delivered.
We love watching the US Open, the drama, the competition and the back and forth action. You find yourself looking one way, than quickly the other, only to quickly go back to the other way again. Wait, are we talking about tennis or Mark Hurd? Poor Mark Hurd, we just heard the he was hired by Oracle after herding himself and his knowledge out of HP. Hurd hardly got to Oracle when the news came out and Hurd heard HP was playing hard with Hurd and had a lawsuit filed against him. HP had gotten the best hired gun attorney and handed Hurd the subpoena in his hand. Hurd stated if they want to play hard ball, no problem. We don't feel this is the end, way too many hard feelings and a war of words just waiting to be heard “courtesy of Hard Ball'.
All of a sudden, we feel bad for Michelle Obama. We just realized what suffering this First Lady must be enduring. Her husband, President Obama, gets a stimulus plan approved costing billions of dollars. Unfortunately, even with all that money spent it failed to do its job and stimulate anything. Poor Michelle, how can she compete with that? Yes, she is a sexy and beautiful woman with needs. She is so frustrated that if her husband can't get something stimulated with billions and billions of dollars, what chance does she have? How do you stimulate a man like that when she's only armed with a hot new sheer peek-a-boo red negligee and matching red 4 inch pumps? Did the lights in the White house just flicker?
Monday, September, 06, 2010
There are rumors going around that the "Tea Party" is not a political organization of conservative values at all but just the opposite. It is coming out that when they get together for a meeting, their activities should make them be called the "Tea Bagging Party".
Egg Beaters, the imitation egg substitute, has taken advantage of the widespread Salmonella egg poisoning with a new slogan of their own: "The Incredible Inedible Egg".
President Obama denies that he is a Muslim and is a practicing Christian as he has always said. The President did have one request though. He asked if we could please move on past this ridiculous discussion and in doing so please pay no attention to any reports of some guy on top of the Capitol Dome yelling really loud 5 times a day.
A poll taken by the Pew Forum before the Mosque controversy showed that 1 in 5 Americans believed President Obama is a Muslim and another 2% thought that he worshipped Islam. The last 1% weren't as sure, but believe he belonged to that religion where you use cash to pay for airplane tickets. You do magic tricks by hiding things in your sneakers or underwear as part of their ceremony. The last and seemingly most serious part is their version of hide and seek. They seemingly play with wireless phones as you can hear it said over and over: “Is the cell still hidden, is the cell active and does anyone else know where the cell is?"
We can't believe that there is an actual plan still being considered to build a mosque near Ground Zero. If all goes well for the builders, the mosque will be built in time for their big 9-11 parade. We hear it's something else, so get their early as it’s predicted that most of New York will be there.
President Obama claims the remarks about the mosque were his and weren't influenced by anyone. OK, fine, let's give our President a break. There is no way he would dishonor and shame America and its entire people like that. It isn't like the President of the United States would ever go around and actually bow before Muslim leaders.
Friday, August, 13, 2010
Lindsey Lohan said her time in jail wasn't that bad at all. No surprise, when you're used to passing out on top of bars, being behind them isn't that big a deal at all.
Since the big oil spill in Michigan is now taken care of, it’s time to punish those responsible for the deadly spill. First, the supermarket chain gets fined an undisclosed amount for improper and excessive oil use. In an unexpected move after being blamed for the spill and walking away from the clean up, the resignation many have called for has apparently come to fruition. The parent company, ConAgra Foods, has confirmed that their spokesperson for Wesson Oil and its unforgiving “Wessonality” destructive nature, Florence Henderson, has resigned. Despite the claim that Wesson Oil will have nothing to do with Ms. Henderson now or anytime in the future, she still denies any guilt. Holding back tears, she claims she was pushed into the mammoth display and is being made the scapegoat for all of this. When reporters asked her about her failure to assist in any of the cleanup, Ms. Henderson replied, “What?? I'm Carol Brady damn it, call that lazy bitch Alice!"
Lately, every Friday brings about a new type of expiration at the NY Stock Exchange. It makes you almost excited to see what this week brings. Last week you had options expiration day and the Friday before that was the George Steinbrenner expiration.
Lindsay Lohan, convicted of a parole violation arising from a DUI, is now spending her nights behind bars instead of in them.
Why is it that almost every time you call a business with an automated answering system they all start out with: "Please listen carefully as our menu options may have changed"? They never change but you listen anyway in case they do. This way, they try to make you avoid pressing “0" to get human assistance. Makes you wonder if they might change that selection one day too...OK, we better listen for the prompts.
Law and Order - Los Angeles is scheduled to be the fourth show in the acclaimed Law and Order franchise. Well, in order to keep that high praise for shows that base their plots on real life incidents, they best not use the O.J. trial as a basis for Law and Order in Los Angeles.
from TheDowJokesReport.Com
The song "Maria Bartiromo" by Joey Ramone is included in the last recording he did before his death. This album also includes an amazingly haunting version of "What a Wonderful World". Both recordings can be found on his "Don't Worry About Me" CD.
Click here to LEGALLY listen to these songs
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