Tuesday July7, 2009
The Wall Street Anthem
This just in, Congressman Gary Ackerman has announced that just as soon as he's done grilling the SEC, he'll be available for children's birthday parties and Bar Mitzvah's as a Cajun BBG Chef, Dunk Tank Clown or just appear and verbally abuse the birthday clowns.
We're sure some nitwit at Alcoa is sitting in the boardroom, crying, "Why do we always have to go first when reporting earnings. We don't look good no matter what! It is so unfair". Try not making your stock symbol AA! Boo hoo hoo.
Is it any wonder that with so many people upset with our government and angry and enraged at so many different areas of it, that little might be altered? We think that most of us believe that the fact that so many start with an F that it doesn't stand for Federal anymore. Sure, but what other popular word starts with an F and can mean anger...is it...you know what, it's late, we're tired, F%*k it, we'll think of it tomorrow.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
If anyone has not seen New York Representative Gary Ackerman's tirade against members of the SEC in Congress recently, it was amazing. Finally someone in those hearing told it like it is, ripped them all new a-holes and totally humiliated them. It was great to see the SEC scum squirm.
A couple of the guys here at TDJR were talking about the “Godfather” the other day. Yeah we know, as soon as you say that the music starts in your head. Anyway, we couldn't remember his name. It was the Italian gentlemen where Michael would go to for his dough and check on how things are going. It wasn't until the evening that a rival family tried to have Don Corleone killed while in the hospital. It was than that Michael told the guy to look tough, wear your hat down so it looks like you have a gun. Maybe the bad guys will drive away...which they did. We got it…the guy who helped save Don Corleone's life and handled the money was Enzo. That's right, Enzo...the Broker.
Is there any doubt when Billy Mays was greeted at the Pearly Gates, all the angels and Heaven itself was adorned in its pristine color of white? It’s a divine spirituality and purification of the white dove echoing the picture of Heaven from the clouds of our youth. Suddenly, screams from a bearded man in a blue shirt throwing oil, grease and tomato sauce on St. Peter's frock were heard assuring him that OxiClean is guaranteed to get the stains out or he'll go to hell.
Do you think when Billy Mays entered Heaven, there was a chance that with it being so divinely pure and clean, he still tried to sell God Kaboom, 100% tough and no obnoxious fumes, Kaboom and the stains are gone?
If Billy Mays did intend to make it into Heaven, there's one thing he's glad that he never sold...his soul.
Overheard at a recent memorial among pitchmen for the late Billy Mays:
A reading from the Book of Billy Chapter 2 verses 8-14. Upon my entrance into the light and to the great beyond which brought forth the beauty and serenity of Heaven itself, I was overcome with emotion. As was Billy's nature, he didn't want to have to wait on the long line to the Pearly Gates. Billy proceeded to get down and kneel, asking for help at this time. He was not prepared for this. As the others in line came over to him, Billy asked kindly, “Oh gentle souls, may I have the first place in line? This torment is killing me (Billy had not though out all aspects of the pitch) and for my relief, I will give you all my eternal thanks”. The crowd started to disperse, just than a bright twinkle started in Billy's eye. The others turned towards the bright light, Billy rose to one knee and yelled to his fellow recently departed, "AND THAT’S NOT ALL!... If you accept my offer now, I will give you a fake pair of wings so original that the Angel Gabriel couldn't tell them apart. Angels aren't made anymore, so you will be the first on your cloud since the dawn of time to have a pair. You think I'm done? No way, if you order and let me go first, I will personally guarantee that your children, who sadly may not be with you, will not be on the same cloud with Michael Jackson at anytime and on a completely worry free cloud. What, still not convinced. This is it, you want more, and I’ve got more. If you call in the next 10 minutes, Ok I guess call out my name in only 10 minutes, you will get in on this one of a kind, exclusive, Heavenly offer available only here on the registration cloud. You have my word and I’ve got a feeling that lying does not go over big up here. I will go and bring a genuine Superstar of Heaven. Wait, bad choice, someone more important had a rock opera with that name. OK, a movie star, man for all times and a rescue swimmer. That's right it's Clarence. The one and only Clarence from the cult classic film, 'It's a Wonderful Life' will be here to autograph copies of 'Tom Sawyer' just for you. Let's recap. All for just a first place in line, you get all of the following: An amazing replica of Angel wings, a guarantee of no children on a cloud with Michael Jackson and the part that no one thought was possible. So hard and yet, it is free. Well, it is Heaven you know. I cannot believe I am about to say this again. A FREE autographed copy of 'Tom Sawyer' by Clarence the Angel himself; he'll be right here, new wings and all. So don't delay, even though you have eternity, don't waste it, order now. When I get in, I promise to put a good word in for all of you as thanks for your assistance". And just like that, the gates opened and Billy with his new found first place in line walked in, amazed, like he was walking on air. As he continued, the last they saw of Billy was him disappearing into a cloud. White and bright, yet calming and didn't hurt to gaze into. All Billy could think was OxiClean. One could only assume that this was Billy's chance to meet his maker, tell him about the life of hope he gave to others and show his worthiness. In a short while, echoing through the heavens, a voice started getting softer and softer as if drifting off further and further somewhere in the Heavens. As the others went off to determine their own Destinies, all they recall hearing is the distinct sound of a falling voice, a voice belonging to Billy Mays, pleading while dropping further and further away, yelling yet again and possibly for the last time...BUT WAIT, THERE'S M
O
R
E
This is the way of the Awesome Auger and the Mighty Mendit. Thanks be to As Seen on TV.
What did Michael Jackson and Billy Mays have in common? When Billy Mays said “Order Now” he was selling something but when Michael Jackson said “Order Now” he was talking about his Demerol supply.
Six Flags, operator of amusement parks, had to file for bankruptcy protection despite its cost cutting measures. Most startling was the surprise that the company changed to the less expensive dental plan used by the carny's and issued by their union “The Carnival Workers and Chew Spitting Professionals Brothers and Sisters United”. If you have been to a carnival and took a good look at your ride operator, you will know why the carny plan was so cheap since they charge by the tooth! Carrying a 5 tooth deductible, most members didn't even qualify.
With today marking the first day of July, it is the end of the first half on Wall Street. So it's now time for the half-time show featuring a tribute to technical analysis as performed by the Bollinger Band, a band that is Head and Shoulders above the rest. The pivotal point of the show will be a performance of Fibonacci’s Candlestick opera. The shocking finale of the night will be a surprise performance of a tune rewritten just for him. A song written just before his recent health scare which he feels he can now have a little fun with. Ladies and Gentlemen, here he is, the new recipient of a transplanted liver, Steve Jobs singing a parody of the “Wing's” hit from a James Bond film, of a similar name..."If I Don't Get a Liver, I'll Die”.
Thank you and move over Billy Mays, here we come.
from TheDowJokesReport.Com
The song "Maria Bartiromo" by Joey Ramone is included in the last recording he did before his death. This album also includes an amazingly haunting version of "What a Wonderful World". Both recordings can be found on his "Don't Worry About Me" CD.
Click here to LEGALLY listen to these songs
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